Greetings and salutations, salacious citizens of our sovereign Empire! I bid you a most humble hello on this great and truly auspicious day! For it is I, the one and only
Otto Von Aureus, the most proficient publicist, editor in chiefly fashion and director of reportation at The Daily Space Walrus, the finest source of news in all the galaxy that you've managed to get your grubby little hands on!
I know what you're thinking, dear reader. What could possibly be so great, so dire that such as dedicated a public servant such as myself would lift my finger from the pulse of our great and vast Empire and direct it instead to be addressing your most undoubtedly dubious self? I'm glad you asked, for I had the same question and as they do indeed say, great minds tend to think alike! And now that you have found yourself in such as fine a company, I ask you to divert your eye (or closest analogous visual receptacle) to the main body of today's article: a gentleman's primer on The Spacer's Almanac, that seminal work that has guided many a wary traveler through the perils of the unknown.
Written in (editor's note: missing date? Who was in charge of researching this piece? If you can't find it Otto, REMEMBER TO DELETE THIS SECTION LATER), The Spacer's Almanac is a veritable fountain of life, in that the information contained therein can allow you to keep on living! Every page contains knowledge of note about history, technology, xenobarloogy (editor's note: is this supposed to be "xenobiology?" DO NOT PUBLISH until this is verified!) that can light YOUR path in the darkness of space!
For demonstrational purposes, today we've borrowed a copy of the Almanac from one... oh. It looks like "Garbin Clack." (Really? Who comes up with these names?) It appears that the fine young Mister Clack possesses a secondhand copy, but we at the Daily Space Walrus would like to remind you, dear reader, to always purchase a new copy upon every revision of The Spacer's Almanac, because the updated wording and occasional rearranged chapter could be the difference between life and death out there in the void!
As luck would have it, all editions of The Spacer's Almanac are highly portable, and as such we recommend that the savvy spacer carry their copy on their person at all times! One never knows when the information contained within will suddenly become relevant, and the more one sees of the world, the more they might find to be worthy of further reading!
Now, as we have clearly demonstrated both in this article and in our regular public publications, a well read citizen is indeed a happy and prepared citizen. However, the great minds of Administration in the Summerdale district have asked us (that's one way to put it, Otto) to gently remind you, dear reader, that perusing the pages contained within The Spacer's Almanac is not required, as it were, to survive here aboard the HMCS
Familiarity.
This information should be considered supplementary, to be read for one's own pleasure and enlightenment. We here at The Daily Space Walrus are proud to offer you both at (take it down a notch here, Otto) regular intervals, so please look forward to our next report coming soon (no), which will blow the whistle on a scandalous surprise sequestered within our own very city-ship: the charismatic cabal brewing within our very own admiralty academia (absolutely not. You know the rules about them.)!
Until next time, dear reader. Remember, at The Daily Space Walrus, "We" "Work" for "You!"
-O.V.A.
final drafting complete, publish immediately following clearance from official censors (DO NOT PUBLISH. SEE ME IN MY OFFICE.)
(did you forget to put in the call for more artists? You did, didn't you?)
